Observations

Saw "March of the Penguins" last night, with treecipitation. As far as movie-theatre documentaries go, it's a decent show. "Spellbound" still takes top place though, in my "documentaries I'm glad I saw in theatres" list.

Meanwhile, I'm busy packing for Montreal, and worrying about the conference, and then doing more packing. It's very boring. Sorry.

However, to prove my day has not been entirely wasted, I offer the following instructions on how to perform a miracle:

HOW TO TURN A ROD INTO A SNAKE*

*useful when impressing angry pharaohs and the like

1) Get one snake. If you're going to impress people, it needs to be poisonous. Preferably a viper.

2) Chill said snake for about 1/2 an hour, to make sure it's sluggish.

3) Grab the chilled snake by the head, applying pressure to the top of its skull and also to the side of its jaw.

(At this point one of two things will happen: 1) the insufficiently-chilled snake bites you, putting you in contention for a Darwin award, or 2) the chilled snake's instinct takes over, and believing itself to be in the grasp of a huge predator, it goes completely rigid.)

4) Tap rigid snake's tail on ground. In proper lighting, it will look like a stiff wooden rod.

5)Threaten pharaoh with a demonstration of your power.

6) When pharaoh refuses to be cowed, hurl "rod" to floor with flair and panache.

7) Stand well clear of no-longer paralyzed viper as it writhes around, proving you a miracle worker.

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**Note: Like my stuffed camel recipe, I haven't actually tried this one myself, but anyone who wants to try it is welcome, providing I get photos and a signed waiver absolving me for any injuries sustained in the process of Biblical snake-handling.

Snotty British Satire

From an English newspaper:

FRENCH RAISE ALERT LEVELS.......

Following the events in London last week the French government announced
yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from 'Run' to
'Hide'. The only two higher levels in France are 'Surrender' and
'Collaborate'. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire which
destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing their
military.

Updates from around Europe

The Italians have increased their alert level from "shouting excitedly"
to "elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "ineffective
combat operations" and "change sides".

The Germans have also increased their alert state from "disdainful
arrogance" to "full dress-uniform and marching songs". They have two
higher levels, "invade a neighbour" and "lose".

Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from
"isolationism" to "find somewhere ripe for regime change". Their
remaining higher alert states are "take on the world" and "ask the
British for help".

Finally here in GB we've gone from "pretend nothing's happening" to
"make another cup of tea". Our higher levels are "chin-up and remain
cheerful" and "win".